Resolving family arguments in older age

In this article, we’ll share some tips on resolving family arguments with adult children, grandchildren or other loved ones. We’ll also highlight the importance of knowing the signs of elder abuse and how you can get help, such as family mediation or counselling.

Common family arguments in older age

As our families grow and we become older, arguments are bound to happen at some point. They may be between you and a family member, or some of your family members might disagree over something.

Some common topics of family disagreements include:

• shared living arrangements

• money and finances – yours or theirs

• grandchildren – having access, or how they’re being raised

• arrangements and decisions about elderly parents

• differences in expectations about care and responsibilities in the family.

Contact with grandchildren

Sometimes, adult children may use coercive control to limit their parents’ contact with grandchildren. This is called grandparent alienation, and you can get help and advice to make it stop.

How to talk to a family member when there’s a problem

The first thing to try for resolving family arguments is talking with the people involved. These conflict-resolution tips can encourage a healthy, open and honest conversation between you and your family.

Find a safe time and place to talk

Time and place are important for potentially difficult, emotional conversations.

• Find a private place to talk where both of you feel safe. If you’d like to speak on neutral ground or in public, a busy café or park could be a good choice.

• Choose a time to talk when both of you have enough time, so nobody feels rushed or pressured.

• Let the other person know ahead of time what you’d like to talk about, so they can be prepared.

Communicate your feelings

It’s important to be open and honest with your family about how the situation makes you feel. Here are some tips for talking about your feelings:

• Use a calm, respectful tone of voice

• Take a break when emotions run high

• Avoid blaming or accusing the other person

• Write out a list of talking points ahead of time

• Listen to and consider what the other person has to say

• Think about your nonverbal cues, such as movements and facial expressions.

A calm, solutions-focused conversation can help to avoid further arguments arising.

Listen to their perspective

During an argument, it’s easy to get wrapped up in ourselves or not fully consider the other person’s perspective. Understanding why the other person is thinking or feeling the way they do can help to resolve the disagreement.

Calmly asking questions and actively listening shows that you care about the other person and their views. You may learn something new or be able to see the situation in a different way.

Be solutions-focused

Disagreements can become unhealthy if you’re arguing for the sake of being right or to ‘win’.

Focus on finding a solution that works for you and your family, rather than winning the argument. This might involve compromising or negotiating. Be open to ‘meeting in the middle’.

Be kind to yourself

It’s normal to feel down when you’re arguing with someone who matters to you, especially when it’s one of your children or another close family member. Self-compassion can help protect your mental health whenever you’re going through difficult times in any of your relationships.

Feeling upset by arguments is normal and understandable. Try not to condemn yourself for feeling down about what’s happening.

If it’s possible, spend time with other people who aren’t involved in the argument. This can help you remember that there’s more to your life than the current problem.

Attend family mediation

When you’re experiencing family conflict, a third party can help you to safely explore the issue, gain an outside perspective, and get expert recommendations for what to do.

Family mediation is a meeting guided by a professional who helps the family resolve issues and agree on a way forward. The mediator supports you to discuss difficult issues and build healthy, respectful relationships in a safe environment.

Know the signs of elder abuse

It’s common for families to have disagreements sometimes. But it’s important to know the difference between an argument and abuse.

Family members are the most common perpetrators of elder abuse. Arguments don’t necessarily mean that is what’s happening, but by knowing how to recognise elder abuse, you can decide whether you should reach out for help.

Here are a few behaviours that may indicate elder abuse:

• Being physical violent

• Treating you like a child

• Preventing you having contact with family and friends

• Moving you away from friends and family

• Bullying, name-calling, yelling and other kinds of verbal abuse

• Inflicting emotional abuse, including manipulation and gaslighting

• Failing to provide your basic needs, such as food or health care

• Controlling or limiting your access to your bank account or money

• Threatening to harm you, your loved ones or your pets.

You can learn more about recognising elder abuse here. If you or an older loved one are experiencing abuse, help is available. 

Support is available

When experiencing family conflict, one option to consider is family mediation. You may also want to consider attending individual counselling. A mediator or a counsellor can help you work through problems and can provide solutions and strategies to move forward.

Relationships Australia supports seniors with free counselling, mediation, legal aid, referrals and more.

• Relationship Australia Queensland's Senior Relationship Services offers free support to connect, protect, and empower older folks living in Queensland. These services are also available in other states and territories. Click here for more information where you live.