Everyone has the right to decide who they see and have contact with. That right does not diminish as we grow older. We should be able to see the family members and friends that we want to see.
Unfortunately, sometimes people prevent us from choosing who we see and have contact with. They might have good intentions—for example, they believe the banned person treats us badly. But it still should be our choice whether we see that person or not.
If someone else is deciding who you see and have contact with, they may be denying you your right to autonomy and free choice. Doing this can amount to them abusing you.
‘Elder abuse’ is a term used to describe abusive behaviour towards an older person or a lack of care that results in harm or distress to an older person. It can happen in all kinds of relationships and situations, and it can be deliberate or unintentional. It can be hard to recognise, and there is more than one type.
Having free choice taken away from us could be a sign of psychological or emotional abuse.
Other signs include:
verbally threatening us
isolating us
belittling us
limiting our social activities, and
withholding our mail or access to a phone.
We can recognise psychological abuse when it happens because it causes us emotional pain, anguish or distress or makes us feel demeaned.
Sadly, the people responsible for psychological elder abuse are often adult children. Other people responsible could be sons- and daughters-in-law, partners, friends and neighbours.
Sometimes, the responsible person mixes controlling behaviours in with loving or apologetic behaviours. They hide the controlling behaviour from other people and only show loving behaviour when others are around. It’s hard to work out what’s going on because the unpleasant treatment is so inconsistent. Confusing, erratic behaviour like this could be a sign of coercive control.
‘Coercive control’ is a relatively recent term that describes patterns of behaviour designed to manipulate another person. It happens in relationships of trust—we trust the other person, so we accept the way they’re behaving. We might make excuses for it. Our thoughts and feelings can get in the way of us seeing the situation clearly.
If someone else is deciding who you see or have contact with, how do you feel about that?
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