When impatience is harmful

Introduction

Patience: ‘the ability to wait, to continue doing something despite difficulties, or to suffer without complaining or becoming annoyed’. Although some people seem to have plenty of patience, it’s something that evades us all at times.

Impatience can take many forms. Do you remember feeling frustrated about being left on hold during that important phone call, being stuck behind someone who was walking slow, or waiting for the traffic lights to turn green?

Older people often take the brunt of impatience, and it can be a harmful experience for them. Your impatience with an older person can even constitute elder abuse.

Impatience as elder abuse

It may sound surprising that impatience can be a form of abuse. When we hear of elder abuse, we tend to think first of physical abuse rather than psychological abuse.

‘Elder abuse’ is a term used to describe abusive behaviour towards, or a lack of care that results in harm or distress to, an older person. Elder abuse can come from family members, carers, friends, neighbours or professional staff, as well as other relationships.

In 2021 the final report from the Australian Government’s National Elder Abuse Prevalence Study indicated that 1 in 6 older Australians (15%) reported experiencing abuse in the previous 12 months. Impatience falls under the psychological abuse category, the most prevalent form of elder abuse (12% of reported cases, according to the National Elder Abuse Prevalence Study).

When impatience is directed at an older person, it can challenge their perception of their value and respect within their family or friendship group. It can lower their confidence, self-esteem and sense of autonomy and damage the relationship.

Identifying our impatience

Elena and Tina’s daily walks

Elena’s 65-year-old aunt, Tina, likes to join her on her evening walks. Elena appreciates the time she is spending with her aunt, but she’s becoming annoyed that she can’t walk at her own pace and has to slow down for Tina. The walks take much longer than if Elena were on her own.

Last time they went for a walk, Elena’s impatience at Tina not being able to keep up caused her to snap at her aunt to hurry. Tina was hurt and saw herself as being a burden. Elena later felt ashamed about her impatience towards her aunt.

Think about how you interact with your older family members, friends, community members or even strangers. Do you get annoyed if they take longer than you would like to finish a story, to locate what they are looking for, to make a decision?

A common experience is impatience towards a partner when their health flounders, as Linh experienced.

Quang’s mental difficulties

75-year-old Quang is undergoing cancer treatment. His wife, Linh, is growing frustrated at Quang’s forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating. She knows it’s a side effect of the chemotherapy and not his fault, but she’s finding it hard to not lose her temper when Quang continually forgets to turn off appliances or close the front door.

Instances of impatience can take you by surprise. Perhaps you see yourself as a generally patient person, but you get annoyed by things the older adult in your life is doing. The answer may be to cultivate patience.

How to cultivate patience

It may seem hard to cultivate patience, but it can be done, and it’s worth the effort. The older person will be happier, more confident and more independent, and your relationship will be healthier and more harmonious.

You may have to catch yourself in the moment and give yourself a space between the trigger – the older person’s behaviour – and your reaction. Pausing rather than reacting takes practice, especially if you are undoing long-held patterns (which can often be the case with family dynamics).

Amir’s family wants to get going

Qasim was on holiday with his wife, children and his parents. When it came to get in the hotel elevator, his 70-year-old father, Amir, was still in the hotel room getting ready. They couldn’t hold the lift for him, so the group left without Amir – except for Qasim, who waited in the lobby. The pair joined the rest of the family later.

While he was at first irritated that his dad needed longer to get ready, Qasim decided to be patient with Amir and not sour their family holiday.

Depending on the situation, it may be helpful to change to the way things are done. In some instances, what can change is your perception of the ‘problem’.

Rebecca and Jenny tackle their impatience

82-year-old Margaret and her daughters Jenny and Rebecca have a family tradition of wrapping presents together on Christmas Eve. Margaret enjoys wrapping presents, but her fingers now stumble over the ribbons and it takes her longer to finish each gift. Because Christmas is a busy time, Jenny thought it would be better if she and Rebecca wrapped the presents themselves next time.

However, Rebecca understood how much the tradition meant to their mum. She talked about it with Jenny before the next wrapping session. They agreed to not rush their mother, but to let her take her time and to not expect perfection. They also decided to allow more time for the present-wrapping session. This resulted in a much more relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere for all three of them – and the presents still got wrapped.

Talk about your feelings

Sometimes an open conversation can help clear the air and lead to better communication. First, reflect on what’s making you impatient and what can be done to avoid it. Then choose a time when everyone is calm, rather than in the middle of your frustration and impatience. Make it clear that you love and value the older person and want to look after your relationship.

If you are struggling with impatience, talking to an impartial third party may help. You could chat it over with a friend or speak to a professional, like a counsellor or therapist.

Try the Australian Counselling Association’s Find a registered counsellor service, or call the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321 for assistance.

You may also find support services through Relationships Australia.